Talking Heads - Stay Up Late

Well, chu updated his blog, so I'll do the same. I can't even remember if I've talked about it here, but I've been doing quite a bit lately to get myself in order. Back in June I decided that I was tired of people, some of which are even "friends" running my ass over at every turn. I was also tired of being the chubby guy that managed to get a date once in a while if very lucky. So the first place I started was the rec center up at school. With some help from my friend up here in Denton, I found a good lifting routine and have stuck to it. My strength has increased quite a bit in the three months since then, and I think it's making a visible difference. Hell, I've never been too strong in my upper body, and actually held on for a little bit arm wrestling my brother...lol. Next time I'll beat him.

But it's not just the lifting. I've also been reading a lot more, trying to get a more balanced view on the world. Up until recently I was of the opinion that I best not say or do too much else people might think I look like an ass. Well guess what, as one of my friends put it, "everyone looks like an ass at some point or another." There's no sense in worrying about what other people think of you, and that's a lesson I'm slowly starting to learn. I'm not gonna say I'm at the point yet where I could tackle anything, but I'm getting closer.

I spent last night, a Saturday night, cleaning out the crap in my bedroom. I filled the dumpster outside my apartment with shit I don't need, and took four bags of clothes over to the Salvation Army. Maybe some bigger guys can enjoy the clothes that I was wearing back when I was fat and working for a living. Even though it was way out of my way, it made me feel kinda good that I was at least trying to help out, even if they don't need a single thing I dropped off. I'm getting my bedroom in order so that I feel like I have an apartment, and not just a living room and the room where I sleep.

And then finally, there's the whole girl* situation. Since I've been focusing less on finding someone, I've been noticing interest popping up. I think a combination of me getting my life in order, which is providing confidence I've lacked for quite a while now, in addition to my ever changing physique is generating the buzz. I've gotten compliments recently on my smile, hair, whatever. One girl in my arch lab constantly glances over now, and seems to agree with everything I say, no matter how stupid it is. In the rec center today, one was staring at me from behind while on her treadmill, oblivious until the very end that I was watching her do this in a mirror on the wall.

I think it's all starting to come together the way I want it. As long as school turns out fine, and I can accomplish some of my goals (got 31 so far), I'll be exactly where I want to be. It's not just one thing, like wanting to do well in school, or find a girl, or feeling comfortable in my environment. It's about being the man that I want to be, and knowing that when I make a decision that I'm not going to second guess it and wonder what if. I'm tired of regretting things that I should've done or could've done. From now on, my goal is to know that when a situation arose, I did everything I could to take control of it and go for the outcome I want. I might not always get that outcome, but at least I'll know that I made the effort.

* It's come to my attention that some girls would rather be called women as they think girl is degrading. Tough shit. Girls are gonna be girls to me until they get married or hit 40, whichever comes last.

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